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Privacy Concerns: Zuckerberg Has Been Watching Me in the Shower

It’s no secret here in the office that I am one Netflix documentary away from closing my bank account, trashing my cell phone, and living off the grid.

peep.jpg

But, even the newest updates to the Foursquare and Facebook Messenger apps with their scary terms and conditions haven’t made me give up my couch surfing lifestyle just yet.  

However, I certainly felt the need to look through all of the terms and conditions concerning my privacy that I have coolly agreed to over the years.

Upon further inspection, there were a few pretty scary things that I am now contractually bound to:

1: Instagram now owns all of my pictures.

2: I don’t own any Kindle books or iTunes songs I’ve purchased. They can be rescinded at any time.

3: Google can 

  • - Modify calendar events and send email to guests without my knowledge
    - Read my text messages on my device or from a SIM card, regardless of content or confidentiality
    - Call cell phone numbers without my intervention

4: Facebook can remotely take pictures and videos with your phone, and use the camera at any time without my permission. (SCARY!)

5: Netflix reserves the right to disclose my personal info without any notification.

I have officially wandered too far down this road to ever get off the grid. By now, they know where I am, what I do, and how many times I’ve edited this blog post.  They're already on to me.

That doesn’t mean, though, I can’t help others.  Here's a 5 step process to save you from the internet: 

Step 1: Print this blog out and get off the computer. All bets are off if yours has a camera.

Sorry.

If destruction of the device is possible without harming yourself or your dwelling, do so.

Step 2: Get rid of all your smart devices—phones, tablets, iPod touches, Smart TVs, electric toothbrushes.

You can’t take any risks.

Anybody who cares enough about you, already knows where you live. Don’t worry about calling them.

They’ll come to you if necessary.

Step 3: Neighbors might begin to wonder why your computer and other electronic items are fueling the bonfire in the back yard.

You don’t need suspicious eyes.

Black out all your windows.

The most efficient way to do this is foil. It will block 100% of the light and could possibly be leveraged later to heat your home if necessary.  

Step 4: Find a water source.

Begin filling up every container you have in your house with water and then shut it off.

This will sustain you until you can relocate to a fresh water spring.

Step 5: Secure a steady food supply.

If you have any lettuce in your house, plant it and it will grow more lettuce.  I read that somewhere - Pinterest, I think.  

As a matter of fact, just start planting things from your refrigerator and see what grows.

That’s a good start.  There’s a couple more steps you could take, but I can’t give it all away.  Can't be too careful.

I think I hear someone at the door. I’ll be right gkjre;/ra……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………